DH and I need help conceiving. Without getting into too many details, the help involves getting injected with drugs three times a day, early morning doctor visits for monitoring and a procedure called IUI (when I get a chance I’ll get a link for what IUI means).
It is all a huge pain. Physically, because I don’t handle the injections well (pain and bruising) and because I’m considered in phlebotomist lingo, a difficult stick. Logistically, because, I’m usually the one dropping DD off at daycare and when I say early morning doctor visits, I mean like 6:30 AM. Emotionally, because it is difficult to go through all this effort and be disappointed.
If I don’t count the August attempt, I am currently on my second consecutive effort. Tomorrow is the end of my two weeks waiting period and my pregnancy test. Well, AF showed up tonight. I don’t have to explain the significance of that.
When DH and I started this again in November, we decided to try only two more times. We didn’t want to be going through the emotional ringer indefinitely. It was somehow more bearable knowing that there was a end in sight, good or bad.
Now that the end has come, I’m finding it much harder to let go. Sure DH and I can continue on our own and there is always the possibility of success. It has been known to happen. However, our issues are pretty severe that if we decide to stop the fertility treatment, we need to accept that I may never get pregnant. We need to accept that we may not have another child. We need to accept that DD may never have a sibling.
I thought we had accepted and tonight I find that I had not. I’m wondering if we should try one more time. Third time is the charm? Or three strikes, we are out and we truly accept that this is the path for us. Ironically, we have three days to think about it and make a decision.
DH and I have prayed over this. We have asked for help, for guidance and for understanding. We have asked for a direct answer, preferably written in stone but well, I guess God doesn’t work that way anymore.
Or may be He has been answering. The fact that I am not pregnant after trying with and without help for almost two years could be an answer. Then I think that the fact that my heart still longs and hopes must mean something. It is hard to know the answer, it is hard to know what to do.
Whatever happens, whether we stop now or whether we try one more time, I know we’ll be OK. I know I’ll be OK. After all, we are blessed with our beautiful DD. But boy, would I love just one more of such pure perfection.