We started watching Soso’s baby videos this week. Yesterday was an especially cute one where Soso, Grandma and my SIL, N are hanging out in the livingroom. Grandma is making silly noises and bouncing Soso and all three of them are laughing hysterically.
Afterwards, DH and I both said how we keep expecting to see her somewhere. Like she’ll be at the house, or come to the next party at Soso’s school, or at the next family party or something. How is it possible that this woman is no longer here with us? I still can’t wrap my mind around it. When does it become real for us?
I can’t believe she won’t get to see Soso dressed up for Halloween this year. I can’t believe that this Thanksgiving is going to be without her. I have spent the past 8, possibly 9 Thanksgiving either at her house or mine, but always with her and the rest of the family. She would have turned 66. What is Christmas going to be like without the big gathering at her house and the mounds of presents under the tree?
I think about her absences for the next 20 years at these holidays and gatherings, the various milestones in our lives and I almost can’t breath. I feel like someone’s punched me in the stomach. Then I feel like I want to throw a tantrum about how unfair it all is and lash out. A part of me even feels mad at Soso that she seems so OK. I feel like she should be more sad and she should be missing her more. But really I should be grateful. As close as they have been, I can’t imagine how devasting it would be if she fully realizes her loss.