There is a Korean word for it. It sounds like “yeokshim.” As soon as my mom used it, I knew intrinsically what she meant. But I couldn’t figure out the English translation. Well, “greed” is the direct English translation. I thought ambition, but that word is may be a little too noble. Perhaps I need an uglier word to face the truth.
Greed. A desire to acquire more than one needs or deserves. May be this is the crux of the problem. May be I’m wanting something more than I need or deserve.
I have bad news about the adoption process. I can’t write the details, but let’s just say that things are not looking good. I’m kind of heart-broken about it. I’m conflicted. I’m torn. I’m confused. I’m feeling lost and empty.
So, I call my Mom. My Mom, who’s a strong woman (iron will comes to mind) in spite of her current physical weakness told me to stop crying and to be strong. She told me to continue trying. To continue to have hope. When that didn’t work, she reminded me that I was incredibly lucky because I have such a wonderful husband and such a wonderful special daughter. When that didn’t work… that’s when she threw the word “yeokshim” at me.
Greed. Yeah, that word stopped me.
It reminded me yet again that a long time ago, I had askedbeggedpleadedprayed to God to please grant me one baby and I would be satisfied. That I wouldn’t ask for more. I was granted my wish. And my wish is beyond anything I could have dreamed of. She is beautiful and smart and pretty and sweet and soft and funny and silly and quirky and good and fair and kind and lovely.
Having such a wonderful being in my life made me want more… more than I need or deserve especially in light of the “bargain” I had made, right? Now, I know God doesn’t make bargains. I know this in my head. But my heart thinks may be there’s some truth to this. Because, may be it shouldn’t be this hard. May be there is a reason why all our efforts seem to come to nothing.
And may be I’m just trying to make myself feel better, in seeking rationalization in an irrational world.
Whatever the case may be, I think it is time for me to embrace what I do have. Appreciate it. Move forward with it. Grow and nurture it. And stop being so greedy. And envious. And unsatisfied.
Easier said than done. But perhaps it will be easier once I can close a door.