Are you out there waiting for me? Or are you only a dream? A longing that doesn’t exist?
If you do exist, why can’t I have more faith? If you don’t, why can’t I let go. Why is it so hard for me to accept one way or another.
I have more forms to update, medical, financial and another background check. The forms were waiting for us when we got back from Peru. Three weeks ago, when I was dealing with my sick family and so tired, I felt a moment of conviction that I was ready to let go and be a family of three. For a moment, I felt content in my decision. So content that I told D. He told me he was ready a long time ago.
Two weeks ago, I saw a new baby and her sisters. Or a movie or a show or read a book about babies. It doesn’t matter. I just saw siblings together, having fun, and loving each other. My heart wailed. My heart wasn’t ready to let go.
Since then, my heart and my head have been battling.
Last night, I saw a new comedy about raising a baby. My heart turned into liquid. I long to hold another baby in my arms. Hear the first laughter. Kiss itty-bitty feet. See the first tentative steps. To hear made up words. To see another one grow into a precocious toddler and into an independent and confident young lady or man.
I guess my heart is winning today.
I feel so alone sometimes. I envy D who’s truly content with one. I envy the parents who have conviction that adoption is God’s will. I envy parents who were able to have more. Is there anyone out there like me? Longing, but not sure?
When I feel down like today, I try to think of what Randy Paush said about brick walls.
“The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out; the brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something.”
It usually inspires me, but I need another one today.
“You just have to decide whether you are Tigger or an Eeyore.”
I love ya Eeyore, but I’m a Tigger, gosh darn it!