When we started on this journey 4.5 years ago of trying to have a second baby, I had a lot of faith. I had faith that because we were able to have one, because I wanted another baby so badly, because I was a person of faith, because I believe in the power of prayer, because D and I were good people, because of so many reasons, I had faith that we would have another baby.
One miscarriage, two procedures, 8 failed attempts, somewhere along the way, I started losing faith. Then finding faith. Then losing faith. Then finding faith again through the process of adoption.
In May, we got some bad news about increased wait time and a decreasing availability of healthy baby girls. I started losing faith again.
I never realized until very recently that I had faith all wrong. True faith wasn’t a rollercoaster ride. I don’t know what I had. Perhaps a lot of hubris.
I just ran across a post on Everydayalice.com. Alice wrote about a seed having to die before it can take root and having “to surrender my disappointments, desires and pride” and trusting in faith. Her words really resonated with me.
Rewind to a month ago, on a relatively ordinary weekend day, jammed packed with activities. My mind was running like a broken record, whatshouldIdo, whatshouldIdo, whatistherightthingtodo, willIbeOK, willSosobeOK. It was enough to give me a headache and make me want to pull my hair out.
I was at a town “duck race” when I finally found faith. Perhaps it was the sight of 500 smiling rubber ducks being dumped into a river. All of us waiting with bated breath for them to race down the river, but watching them going nowhere. The heroic efforts of the race organizers in canoes using paddles to get the ducks going. The non-wavering smiles on the ducks regardless of their struggles. The big roar, 15 minutes later when the first ducks finally went over the waterfall towards the finish line.
It was like watching life, the ups and downs, the struggles and the triumphs.
Perhaps the tragicomedy of the situation put things into perspective for me. I was finally able to see that faith wasn’t about my own expectations and disappointments. Alice said “surrendered heart” was the perfect soil for our own seed.
She put into words exactly what I felt that day, watching the rubber ducks. I realized finally that I and we, as a family, would be OK no matter what happened with the baby situation. When I relinquished my pride and surrendered my heart, my seed took root and I finally got everything I wanted and more.