Nothing to Do and Feeling Helpless

Last Friday when I made my menu and wrote out a huge grocery list for my brother, there was still the hope that with some good food, my mom would gain some energy.  It seemed that she was suffering from malnutrition more than anything else.

She has regressed tremendously since Friday.  Mom is past the point of more food, good or bad.  She’s in a lot of pain, on medication and not much awake.  We’ve had a handful of a few seconds where she had some lucidity.  She recognized Soso and me, but she couldn’t talk.  She tried to smile.  She held our hands briefly.

Reality is that Mom’s dying.  There’s just no other way to put it.

I don’t know how we got here.  My mom’s not even 73.  She was always the strongest person I knew.  She had so much life, so much zest for life.  She was always on the go, always working on something, always busy with interests and hobbies.

She worked so hard her whole life and it feels so unfair that she is robbed of her rest time.

I came here with a purpose that no longer exists. I have nothing to do except watch my mom suffer.  It is such a helpless feeling.  I don’t even know what to pray for except that I don’t want mom suffering.

Soso and I went for a drive and found a new and beautiful Catholic Church.  We lit 4 candles for Mom.  One to ask that God watch over her.  One to help ease her pain.  One to give her peace.  One give us peace.

People have been so kind.  My friend back home who has made a meal for D.  The community here who have inundated us with food and flowers.  My brother’s friend who has sent 3 care packages of Korean treats.  All the prayers and good wishes being sent our way. Thank you everyone so much.

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2 thoughts on “Nothing to Do and Feeling Helpless

  1. i’m glad you are there with her. it will be time that you will cherish. my dad missed being with his mom during her last days, and he always feels sad about this.

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