I’m OK

My family, friends and co-workers have been asking me for the past week how I’m doing.  Many have lost their moms and the constant refrain I hear is how you never get over it and how much you miss them.  Some mention being angry at fate.  Some still carry the hurt.

I’m sad, but I’m OK.

I didn’t get to experience death closely until I was in my 30’s.  I have now experienced four that have affected me profoundly.  One that was long and protracted, filled with pain and suffering.  One that was shockingly unexpected and incredibly hurtful to those of us that loved her.  One where a long fulfilling life was lived.  Now, my mom’s.

I’ve learned through these experiences we can’t control how we die or how our loved ones die.  It can be sudden or it can be filled with much suffering.  It can be alone and it could be fought to the bitter end. 

As much as I wanted to hold onto my mom in this world, watching her suffer and knowing that she was ready to go forced me to make my own peace.  As much as I wanted to beg to God, please make my mom live longer, in the end, I had to let her go.

I love my mom so very much.  I miss her now and I will miss her forever in this life.  My heart aches knowing that I will no longer be able to talk to her or hear her voice.  The world feels a little empty and a little less bright now.

Still, I’m OK because as little control we have over death, my mom, I and the rest of the family chose to be at peace with it.  I’m thankful for that final blessing from my mom and from God.

Thank you again everyone for all the prayers and positive thoughts; and for all your kindness and love.

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