Back at Work, Still in Survial Mode

A friend reminded me that this transition period is probably like the first 6 weeks after giving birth.  You know, when you’re on survival mode. Just trying to get through the days and weeks?  When you’re struggling to get back to some semblance normal because other parts of your life (work, Soso’s schedule, having to eat and keep house) continues on.  They don’t take a break just because you have a needy, whiny, clingy, and grieving baby.

Perhaps there are parents out there who enjoy these first few weeks, in spite of all the ‘hardships’.  I’ve realized as I’ve never fully realized going through it the first time with Soso that I don’t.  I’m just not built that way.  So, as much as I feel like an unnatural mother, as much as I feel badly for D, as much as I may open myself up to criticism, I’m relieved to be at work.

There I’ve said it.

I’m glad that I’m out of the house of crying and constantly streaming eyes and nose.  I’m glad that the only noise I hear is the tap, tap, tap of the keyboard as I type this up and the background noise of the office at work.  I’m glad that I don’t have to hold a baby who currently doesn’t want me anyway, that I don’t have to hear the screeching as I change her diaper, that I don’t have to deal with what poor D is dealing right now.

Oh yeah, he just called to say that today has not been a good day and it is only 11 AM.  Thank God, I’m not the one at home because I would probably lose my mind.

The glimpses that people at the soccer practice, at school, at the doctors’ office, etc have seen make it seems like all’s fine.  They are not.  This is hard.  It is really, really hard and no one can fully understand what we’re going through except another adoptive parent of a toddler.

People assume that because she is a year old that it is easier.  Like I said, just imagine having a difficult newborn and just maybe, maybe you’ll have a clue.

I just hope that at the end of six weeks, we will see a light.  I hope that when people ask, “How are things and the baby?” that I can genuinely answer, “Great!” instead of faking it.

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4 thoughts on “Back at Work, Still in Survial Mode

  1. of course even though i am not an adoptive parent, every day is hard, every minute is hard. parenthood!
    people always say embrace these moments…i just want to skip ahead.
    i tell ya…5 years and still no night of complete sleep (except the 2 nights
    my mom was able to sleep with my daughter).
    well, thanks for letting me vent. doubt i helped much but sometimes it feels better
    to know that you are not alone.

  2. Thanks for the update. I’ve been not wanting to “bother” you, and really fully aware that this is probably tough, which it sounds like it really is. I didn’t enjoy those first 6 weeks with C so I can only imagine, though not truly understand, where you are right now. I can understand that its even harder because she’s older. I wish there was some way to help make it easier, to say everything you are feeling is fine and I’m so glad you feel free enough to say it all at least here. You will survive. And I know in my heart of hearts that this time will pass. Just keep fighting the fight until it does. And come over when you need to escape. Seriously. (Do you know I still have that show on DVD from November, and still haven’t watched it yet so we could watch it together?)
    I hope to see you soon! And I’ll continue to hold you all up in prayer.

  3. with God, patience (and an occassional glass of wine)…all things are possible. Remember…”and this too shall pass”!
    You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

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