Week 3 started off badly with another emotional meltdown from me by early Sunday morning. Saturday late afternoon into the night was rough. Then Peanut proceeded to sleep horribly and woke up on Sunday whiny and clingy. She wouldn’t eat, she cried, she whined. I felt like I just couldn’t cope anymore and frankly I didn’t want to anyway.
You know you’ve hit a new low when you’re just itching to smack an innocent, grieving baby and you shout at her, “Well, I don’t want you or like you either!”
Another adoptive parent (AP) told me that she felt like she had ruined her family. I totally understood the sentiment that morning. I had a pretty perfect, drama free family and now it is all DRAMA ALL THE TIME.
Faking it to making it has taken on a whole new meaning. I’m not just faking my interactions with the baby. I’m faking my whole life.
I continue to get up each morning, go to work, chat with co-workers, make dinners, talk to my family and blog even though really, I just want to crawl into bed or run away. There’s a surreal quality to my life, like I’m watching a robot version of myself going through the motions. I can feel myself slipping away wisp by wisp. I can’t seem to stop the seepage. I fake living this life and do my best to hold on to the threads, hoping it will all coalesce into reality soon.
Hoping really hard.
Meanwhile, if anyone is worried reading this, I’m being proactive about seeking help. I have my AP supports on call and I have an appointment with a therapist next week. As long as I continue to engage in life and write here, as long as I keep talking, I guess I’m okay.
Week 3 Summary:
- Peanut is eating more solids. Had rice, some eggs, waffles, cut up bananas, Cheerios, oatmeal, and pizza.
- laughing a little more
- smiles and plays peek-a-boo without prompting
- likes to play with the kitchen set, tool bench and likes to push chairs around
- naps pretty well in the AM, but only in the stroller
- still hates baths and after a second meltdown by both of us, we decided to let D handle baths indefinitely
- lost 4 ounces from 2 weeks ago, hoping the increase in solids will result in weight gain in another 2 weeks
- wakes up less at night
- gave S a kiss