I’m sorry if anyone is worried after reading some of my posts. I’ve re-read them and I guess I would be worried, too, if I were reading this from a friend.
I’ve thought about putting a filter to my posts or not writing about my post-adoption journey at all due to all the depressing stuff. But, I see this as a way to help myself and anyone else that’s going through something similar. The hardest challenge I’ve overcome with post-partum and now post-adoption depression is knowing and accepting that it could be normal. Not normal that everyone has it, but normal enough that I’m not alone. I’m not a freak. I’m not a bad person.
I would like to give you some assurances. I think the biggest one I can give you is that D is fully aware of all of my feelings, the bad and ugly. He also has the advantage of knowing the good. Which I don’t always write about here. He sees on a daily basis the tiny, minute progresses I and we make together as a family.
I am seeing a therapist this week and we’ll figure out how help me further with this process.
I am trying every moment of every day to engage in life. While it still feels for the most part ‘fake’, it doesn’t mean I don’t have real moments here and there. I try as much as I can, except for things like baths or afternoon naps that I know are bad triggers for me and Peanut, to be actively involved in Peanut’s care. We do have moments when we laugh and smile. It may not last long and 2 seconds later, she may cry for D to hold her again, but they are there. Little sparks here and there.
As much as I write about the bad stuff, I’m trying to hold onto the sparks.
Thank you everyone for your worries and concerns. It is always comforting to know that people care. But, don’t be offended when I say it isn’t a good idea to write to him or to talk to him about what you read here. It doesn’t help him to have other people’s worry on top of his own. Plus, while this is a public blog, I would like to protect his rights to privacy. If that makes sense? Please be assured that if I’m writing it for the world to see, he’s fully aware of it.