Yesterday, I knew that I had to be completely honest with our social worker if we wanted to survive with our family in tact.
I told the social worker all the events leading up to Sunday and all my feelings. She also spoke with D.
We have a new plan:
- continue to keep my interactions with Peanut positive in order to minimize the crying/whining that triggers my downward spiral
- don’t ever be complacent, celebrate the good, but be prepared for another bad
- see my therapist earlier and discuss whether I should be assessed for medical treatment
- have daily contact with our social worker
- have weekly visit from our social worker
- find someone we can trust to help to be with me and the baby when D needs a break. This way, if it is a bad moment, I can literally walk away without leaving the baby alone.
- continue to seek support from APs with similar experience
- take turns putting Peanut down and being responsible when she wakes up so neither one of us ever get that over-tired.
The biggest challenge is to find the someone to be with me and the baby. I wish either one of our moms were still around. We’ll have play it by ear as the need arises. As much as we were told to not have anyone else care for Peanut, the social worker and I agree that D having respite and me having a safety valve is more important.
I am realizing that this post adoption process has a steep learning curve. I’m constantly figuring out how to navigate the curve. I hope that it levels off one day, but I’ve accepted that for now, it is an uphill battle.
I want to feel sorry for myself. The road to motherhood has been more difficult than I could have ever imagined. To the point where I question my right to be a mother. I wonder if I went against fate in pursuing infertility treatment and adoption. But like D says, these are the cards we’ve been dealt and we need to play it out to the best that we can.
The one positive in all this hot mess? D is incredible. He’s been so strong and supportive. He continues to love me when I can’t love myself. I appreciate him in a whole new light, at a whole new level. I need to remember this the next time he loses a sock or forgets to run an errand or makes a mess in the kitchen. That’s all kind of petty compared to what he does bring to the table, his amazing patience and love. I’m so very lucky to have him in my corner.