Another bad weekend. Saturday wasn’t great, but I coped. I had hoped that Sunday would be better, but she was just so whiny and loud. I tried leaving the room. When that didn’t work, I tried leaving the house. None of it worked. I was like a pressure cooker and a couple of hours just wasn’t enough to let off the steam. I guess after two days of trying to cope with the noise that feels like nails going down a chalkboard, I need a whole day?
Finally, I snapped and screamed at her to please, please stop. Of course, she promptly cried. I just don’t know how much more of this up and down I can take. Even though it has been 13 days since the last meltdown, when I have another one, it is like I’m back to square one. It is like no progress has been made on my ability to cope. I’m back to feeling completely hopeless and I just want all of this to be over. I want my old life back.
Sometimes, I think, he would be better off without me. I know we married for better or for worse, but who really signs up thinking they are going to deal with a crazy wife?
I could tell he was beyond frustrated because at one point he asked why I couldn’t just cope. He has crazy thoughts and emotions, but he copes. Why can’t I? If he doesn’t get it, then how can anyone else?
Especially because Peanut is awfully cute in public. She’s got a great smile and really cute flirty personality. She can be pretty amazing.
You know that quote, “the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry”? And “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans”? That’s how I feel right now.
What else am I supposed to do? I’m already praying as hard as I can. What else is left?