I Think I’m Gonna Survive

Finally, finally, after weeks that have felt more like a lifetime being tortured no less, I look at this photo

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and feel a fluttering of tenderness. My bald-headed, grubby, screeching baby. It is the first real tenderness I’ve felt towards her since we met.

Finally, I can pick her up and cover her with kisses and say, “I love you baby girl” and it comes out natural and it doesn’t feel so fake anymore.

I’ve wondered how I could love another child when I love this big baby oh so very much that it didn’t seem possible to have enough room in my heart.

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It happens slowly.  Painfully. It happens one smile at a time.

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A shared moment.

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By seeing some of Soso in Peanut even only in the pajama hand-me-down.

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It creeps ever slowly.

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All of sudden, it is there, just a flutter. A side-way glance.

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Then, then, she eats, positively devours, Peanut style anyway, my garlicky swiss chard (I so need a better photo).  The first real vegetable Soso also devoured and I’m done.

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The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach? The way to a mama’s heart is through her food.

There is a flutter in my heart. It is small, but it is there. Thank you God. And husband. And family. And friends.

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18 thoughts on “I Think I’m Gonna Survive

  1. I’ve got goosebumps and a huge grin over here! love that you’re enjoying the small victories and that they’re growing in numbers!

  2. beautiful…happy it came faster than you ever thought. or actually more happy that you have reached this point at all. when there was so much doubt at one time.

  3. We all knew this day would come. We’re happy to see that it has finally arrived! God bless you and your family!!!

  4. I’m so happy to read this post… it’s funny how a miracle happens, bit by bit, in small ways, and then there it is. I’m a little weepy over here, but I promise its out of joy for you and your lovely family.

  5. It’s a slow but steady process my friend. I am so happy for the flutter, may the flutters become swarms of butterflies….I am still here for you and I am beyond happy for you.

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